Today Ned died – Ned was a goat
He lived at the Animal Sanctuary about an hour from here …
An 8-year resident with numerous health problems
Bravely combating years of past abuse, neglect, and cruelty
Ned – a triumphant light that shined brightly through my mental windows –
His influence, his strength - a model for me to mimic on my depressive days
Ned died this morning
And he was my friend
____
Pandora - my chihuahua daughter – she became cold easily
Snuggling with me and with her canine brothers and sister,
with light blankets and an oversized pillow beneath were her comfort
She was absolutely stunning –
I often told her (aloud) how statuesque she looked –
And she’d smile
(people who claim dogs don’t smile don’t know dogs)
Her coat was magnificent –
It was dark midnight black with caramel drizzles and gentle tan highlights –
And her gigantic expressive brown eyes …
The extent to which she accepted love set an example for me
She accepted it gladly, as was her beautiful nature –
She gave me the strength to believe that I, too, may be worthy of love
The exact moment she died on that cold and hard examination table at the veterinary clinic is the moment I lost a part of myself
Seeing a loved one die does not provide closure, I’ve learned –
and it isn’t the first step towards some resemblance of “healing”-
It’s terrible business – it’s fucking terrible
A bit of me (part of the good within me) died that day
And that part remains dead
____
I’ve buried so many,
there is dirt permanently tattooed beneath my fingernails
My tears too frequently water the grass that grows from the dirt mounds within my mind
… It’s not simple sadness
____
Ned – the goat at the animal sanctuary –
His favorites were zucchini, strawberries, watermelon, and bananas
Have you seen goats chew?
It’s adorable and hysterically fun to watch –
and it’s grounding
Ned died today
He was my friend
And it never gets easier
Comments