My Fancy Tie is Light Blue
The Band on My Wristwatch is Metallic Yellow
The Face of the Clock on the Wall is White
The Frame Around the Displayed Photo of My Best Friend is Seaweed Green
and the Funeral Assistant’s Pocket Handkerchief is a Medium Shade of Crimson
I see one small child, restless in his seat
I see two older men chatting by the entrance
I see three women in the front row talking casually
I see the table that holds my friend’s coffin has four legs
I see it is five minutes before the service begins
I’m learning a well-hidden exposed razor blade within the hand is not as effective as an ice cube
____
“You couldn’t have saved him, ya know?” the young woman with the dress that does not match her shoes tells me in a matter-of-fact tone
as the black-suited usher leads us to our assigned seats (for family and friends)
I sit down without responding
Because I know that she is wrong
____
“You brought flowers”, says the funeral assistant
“Yes”, I reply
As I hold the stems too-tightly in my hands
They are his favorites – and he loved flowers –
They are too important to do anything but hold them tightly
So I do
And I do nothing else
____
The rows of high-backed chairs are filled with people
Many of them I know – many of them I do not
The upholstered chairs are a classy shade of grey –
A similar color to the depressing-as-fuck curtains blocking mourners from the outside view of the gravestones only feet away from the windows
I want a cigarette, though I haven’t smoked since 2019
Actually, what I really want to do is to jump into my friend’s coffin –
And just die – just die – jump into my friend’s coffin
And die
To lay next to him –
To lay next to him forever
I want to be dead
I want to be dead
“Jesus (!) – sweet Jesus (!) – I lift my arms to you in praise
Jesus (!) – beautiful Jesus (!) – let me lay still forever
Jesus (!) – my loving and merciful Jesus (!) –
Let me die, let me die, let me die!”
“Just let me die!”, I whisper
“what did you say?”, the woman wearing the dress that does not match her shoes asks me
I do not respond because I do not want to
____
My best friend lays still –
And I am here to say goodbye
And I am here to surround him with beautiful flowers
[“my friend – my beautiful friend – I brought you flowers”]
[“can you see them? can you see the flowers I brought you?”]
Then I remember that he is dead
[the funeral assistant is watching me closely
I suspect I may appear somewhat emotionally unstable
“Breathe… breathe slowly”, I tell myself -
I, then, am suddenly concerned I may be only moments away from completely losing my shit]
____
I, hesitantly, walk up to the coffin with his flowers clutched tightly in my trembling hands –
and I notice his skin tone is wrong
As he lays still –
I slowly and carefully surround his body with his favorite flowers
Piercing purples,
Brilliant blues,
And sunshine yellows
They are fresh and vibrant
as they lay next to his lifeless body
____
I return to my mourner’s seat – and I sit completely still
And I do not make a sound
… Because nobody knows
____
[“You couldn’t have saved him, ya know”]
[And I say nothing]
Because I know that she is wrong
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