Like a typical Caterpillar, I inch and I crawl across the nocturnal wooded land
I slowly climb trees and weave in and out of the blades of grass -
When daylight shines, I hide underneath the leaves and the debris –
To sleep – to keep safe and alive while the birds and the bats fly above –
and as the lizards, the rodents, the hornets, and the ants approach –
I hide, so I do not die
Butterflies have memories of once being Caterpillars –
but Caterpillars have not the foreknowledge to predict themselves as butterflies
____
It’s Sunday morning – and I’m still high as fuck
Late nights at the bathhouse easily bleed into the morning sun –
Twinkling black welcomes piercing yellows and oranges –
Yellows and oranges then take a step back and introduce the early hours to magnificent blues –
as the clouds join the visual brilliance across the sky
The sun is bright, and I want to kill it – so I shield my eyes from it (so I don’t see it)
I check my pockets – I’ve still got my poppers, my hard-on pills, and my Ziplock baggie of meth(what is left of it)
I came twice – that’s not bad for a man my age
____
19 days bedridden [cold turkey]
The methamphetamines and benzodiazepines ooze disgustingly from my pores -
the rotten and putrid stench of dying drugs penetrates the previous fresh air within my apartment
The escaping shards of meth violently cut me
slowly and painfully as they exit my body
The Caterpillar is dying
“You’re dying, man”, the man standing next to my bed tells me
(and I know I am hallucinating him – but I listen to him still –
he is the difference between having company and being alone)
I nod my head up and down because I know the words he is saying to me are true
____
When I am at the pub – I am a master magician!
Ladies & Gentlemen – step right up – a spectacle for your eyes to be amazed by!
The bartender greets me by name – and I hand him my credit card
He gladly pours me my first drink of the night (I tip exceptionally well)
“Ladies & Gentleman – watch it disappear – as I drink it down”
(the crowd applauds in amazement)
I nod and the bartender lines them up across the bar –
I tilt my head back and make each one disappear like a rabbit disappears into a hat
I AM the Greatest Showman on Earth!!!!
I make family, friends, jobs, and opportunities disappear into thin air
(watch and be amazed, ladies and gentlemen!)
“Tom, I’ll take another”
“Are you sure, Jimmy?”, Tom asks – he cares (I know he does)
“Just one more, good man”, I slur, as I tip him a fiver
____
The neighbor calls the police when she finds me hours later on my front porch –
I am not moving - vomit covers the fashion-forward outfit I wore earlier –
and there is a soggy pool of vomit on my shirt and all over my pants
“I think he’s dead”, my neighbor tells the police officers
“Not yet”, I quietly say as I begin to regain consciousness
I squint as the daylight assaults me, like a punch in the face
“But, I am dying”, I say quietly (so no one can hear me)
before the officers find the key in my pocket
and carry me into my home (as they have in the past)
The Caterpillar is dying
The Caterpillar is dying
____
“I want no more of this life!”, the Caterpillar screams
And the Caterpillar does not stop screaming these words
“A clove hitch or a constrictor knot?”, I ask
The salesman at Home Depot is unprepared for my question
There is a music video with a puppet who electrocutes himself –
In another scene he hangs from the rafters –
In another he lies still in a bathtub with a plugged-in toaster floating in the water (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXHj_EW_JpQ)
… and I am jealous of the puppet
____
So – I buy a steel cage – strong enough to hold a wild bear
Strong enough to not allow the alcohol to flow through its door and through the tight slits of the walls
(there will be no alcohol here)
Strong enough to hold the depression, the sadness, the mourning, the self-hatred, the feelings of hopelessness – and the very serious and very real desire to die by my own hand –
My cage keeps it all inside its walls (and I must deal with it – I must deal with it all) –
As I sit alone within (with all of it), naked, my arms wrapped around my trembling and cold legs
I am dying
The Caterpillar is dying
____
I then, painfully, and reluctantly (so I do not die), spin a silky cocoon to surround me –
to surround me completely
I then melt, I melt grotesquely -
My skin separates from my insides –
My (now) inescapable fate begins to dissolve my cells within my muscles and organs –
I am dying – the me that was – is dying
The Caterpillar is dying
I so very much want this death
I want this death more than anything I’ve ever wanted
Without it, I will die
____
The sun beams down brightly and brilliantly upon the wooden land
From his slumber, the Rabbit Lord pokes his head out into the daylight –
and knows that is it good –
the Rabbit Lord welcomes the New Dawn
as multicolored butterflies flap their wings wildly all-around him (and within him)
The rabbits work alongside the other forest animal folk –
Together they slowly rebuild a kingdom once destroyed
The Horned God – the Slithering King – the Owls
The birds in the air, the rodents that scamper along the wooden floor of the forest –
The trees and the rushing water and the wind that blows –
… it’s all coming together
The Rabbit Lord remembers the Caterpillar –
though, as the Caterpillar – he could not have foreseen the transformation
The Caterpillar is dead
The Caterpillar is dead
____
The Rabbit Lord receives his crown – it is placed upon his head
The jewels on the crown sparkle magnificently and triumphantly in the bright light of the New Dawn
The animal forest folk erupt into celebration
The Horned God, the Old One, stands proudly by his new Rabbit friend
“There is much to be done”, says the Old One
The Rabbit Lord nods his head up and down because he knows the words being said to him are true
____
The Rabbit Lord begins to write …
and the forest is listening
Photo: Jimmy Broccoli with Johnny Francis Wolf's, "Men Unlike Others, Volume I"
